At some point after a separation or divorce, most people enter into a new romantic relationship. In many cases, the new relationships have already begun even while the parties are still married. Naturally, even in the worst of circumstances, it is difficult to see your once partner or spouse move on to a new relationship. This difficulty is often amplified when the relationship was on going during a marriage or at the end of one. But often even more troubling is the commencement of a relationship when there are children involved.
People often overestimate the resiliency of children and underestimate the impact the introduction of a new partner will have on a child. Children of all ages feel tremendous loss when a marriage has ended or partners are no longer together. They have lived among the emotional and financial issues related to a divorce or separation during its tendency, and now once it is final they must settle into a major change of lifestyle.
Changes in housing and living arrangements often occur, the children are now sharing two different homes. They may not be able to play the sports or enjoy the extracurricular activities they used to enjoy due to a change in the financial situation. There may be a new school, and then there is sometimes a change in how they relate to each parent.
Parents should realize that children are very perceptive and learn quickly what is a good thing to talk about in front of a parent and what they should be censoring.
The above is just a short list of issues, and anyone in a divorce or separation can assure you that there is a whole laundry list of things that have changed as a result of the action.
To that end, as a practitioner, it is my position, based on what I have seen, heard, and learned, that parents often bring a new partner or relationship into the life of the child too soon after a divorce/separation. Usually, the new romance is introduced at its beginning. Parents feel they want to be honest with their children, and for their children to see they are happy and have moved on. However, most children are put into a position of having to accept another major life change when they may be overwhelmed with the changes in the life they once shared with their parents.
Relationships are very time-intense. As a single parent, your time is limited without the new relationship, and often children are brought in to share the relationship because time is a premium. Parents would rather integrate the child into time with the new interest than sacrifice time with the child. However, in essence, the parent is taking time away from the child regardless.
Parents are well advised to spend as much one-on-one time with their children as possible after a divorce or separation. The children are trying to find their place in this new life, and they need reassurance that the parent is ok and that things will be different but happy and harmonious in their new household. The healing that takes place is important to the parent and the child individually, but is necessary for them to heal together as well.
Another concern of introducing a new relationship too early is that the children will discuss it with the other parent, and that will cause difficulty in finalizing a divorce or separation that is still on going, or in the alternative, will cause anger or jealousy in the other parent if the process has been completed. Again, it is a natural reaction even in the worst of circumstances to feel those emotions, and your children maybe caught in that cross fire. The other parent may show the dissatisfaction with the relationship, ask your children questions about the person and what is going on in your household. This is not only clearly inappropriate behavior from my position as a practitioner but devastating to a child as well to be caught in that conflict.
After a divorce, parents worry about everything from being able to parent the children by themselves to being concerned they will be alone forever.
For the dad who thinks he needs a “woman’s touch” around the house or needs a woman to help with the children……you could not be further from correct. Your children need you, and need to develop a relationship with them in that nurturing and loving role without the buffer of someone else, someone new.
For the mom who feels unloved and undesirable, guess what? Your children love you unconditionally and can look you in the eye and see the beauty that is their mother.
Relationships come and go, but your children are with you forever, and spending some time relearning each other as individual and bonding is never going to be time wasted. There will be time, in the not so distant future, for you to begin that new relationship.
Put yourself in the place of your child. Imagine how difficult it may be to see someone new at the breakfast table after an overnight visit. How would it feel to see someone show affection to your mom when it is not your dad? Your children may experience jealousy of the new person and may feel neglected by the loss of your time and attention.
These factors can make a new relationship even more difficult. Please do not forget the wounds of a divorce are not limited to just the parents, and they may still be healing in your children. If you introduce a new companion too soon you may unintentionally salt those wounds.
Another concern is that children tend to get attached quickly, and if the relationship ends, aren’t you just setting them up to feel another loss. As to the relations, will it end? No one knows for sure but what do they say about that first relationship…it is often on the rebound. Give yourself enough time to get to know yourself again, bond with your kids, and adjust to a new life.
Mr. or Mrs. Perfect is out there somewhere, and if it is meant to be, it will happen……but give it time. Good things come to those who wait!
By: Julie A. Dialessi-Lafley, Esq.
that is great information i really wish i could somehow get a copy of it .this is my life right now and i cant believe how much this has hit home for me .i cant believe it .i am fighting so many demons over my breakup .of course he cheated and now wants that lady to play mom to my son and i cant stand her at all she was a family friend
Posted by: colleen | June 13, 2009 at 10:57 PM
So glad to see more of this kind of information on the internet for those looking for it.
People don't think enough about what they say and do in front of the kids. Kids are so smart and pick up on things an adult thinks is over their head. They also never give up on Mom and Dad getting back together, so seeing someone new in either of their parents lives is another hit they take to the heart.
I spent a lot of time with my 3 sons after my divorce and so did their dad. We made a pact that we wouldn't fight in front of the kids nor did we slam each other in front of them. If one parent placed a rule in the kid's life, then the other parent backed up the decision. We didn't allow the kids to play us against each other nor did we make them "choose" when it came to taking sides.
Our boys are all grown now, well adjusted, and still spend time with both of us. We even still have family get togethers, we just add in their girlfriends and our spouses.
We made it work for the kids and I'm glad we took the time to do it. The boys are much better for it, we are convinced.
Posted by: Fix Marriage | June 24, 2010 at 08:47 AM