Ahhhhh, the holidays. A time for love, shopping, joy, spending money you don’t necessarily have, searching for that perfect gift, and yes, sometimes stress, tension and frustration at those we promise to love the most. You guessed it; I mean those wonderful family dynamics that only take place in anticipation of getting together with Mom, Dad, Sister Sue and Uncle Joe.
It’s important, however, that through all this chaos, the feelings of irritability and stress are kept in perspective. Do not let petty arguments escalate into confrontations between you, your children, and your spouse or significant other so much that your actual relationship breaks down. Incidents of domestic violence increase around the holidays, leading to restraining orders, loss of time with your children, and a large dose of regret. Instead, when you reach the boiling point, remember the holidays are only fleeting, and this too shall pass. If you find yourself getting so kerfuffled that you think you don’t want to be with your spouse or significant other anymore, think a little more long term before reaching any final conclusions. Consider January and February, when the mayhem is gone and life is back to normal. Do you like that normal life, or are you ready to move on to the next chapter?
Unfortunately, there will be relationships that are in the midst of breaking down to the point of demise. For these folks the holidays can be the cherry on top of the crumbling sundae called togetherness. If you are one of these people, you have two choices. You can enlist the services of an attorney now, or you can wait until after the holidays. Many of my clients do not want to go to court or start an action before the holidays, and smartly so. Not only will negotiations and arguments escalate, but children are often most affected. These decisions can have long term effect that cannot easily be changed. Children see their parents’ anger and hostility at a time of year when visions of sugar plums and menorahs should be dancing in their heads. If the parties end up with “buyer’s remorse”, you may have ignited a flame you cannot put out. If you reconcile, you will have filled the holidays with bitter memories instead of sugary sweet ones.
If you are currently in the midst of a divorce or visitation action, and have a schedule in place that does not account for holiday visits, think of how the children will feel if they don’t see their Mom or Dad during the most magical time of the year. And as much as you may not like the other parent, now is also a time to consider how they will feel not having their children to share the days with. Remember, the holidays are a time for giving and sharing, not a time to be selfish and cold. If appropriate, offer to split the day or make other arrangements so fun can be had by everyone. Remember, a little kindness goes a long way. Eventually children grow up, and they remember. Exactly what those memories consists of is up to you.
Happy Holidays.
Melissa R. Gillis, Esq.
This is a great article on what is a very difficult time for both children and parents. In addition to the great advice above, it's important to support your children by encouraging meaningful contact with both parents (and possibly grandparents), talking openly, asking them what they’d like to do, developing new holiday traditions (i.e. beach instead of the park) and being cordial with your ex.
Posted by: Family & The Law | January 09, 2013 at 08:32 AM