There’s no doubt about it; custody battles are nasty. A viscous battle of “he said, she said” ensues, and each parent has their own idea of what the children want, who they want to live with and why the other parent should be kept away.
There really are three main types of custody battles. The first is when something tragic has happened while in the care of one parent, ie, physical, sexual abuse, or gross neglect. The second is where the child begins to refuse to see or visit with the other parent for a variety of reasons, most often when the child is a teenager.
The third, and certainly the most damaging to the child is when parents just can’t get over their resentment for each other, and harbor such contempt that they begin to feel all would be better of if the other parent would just go away and leave them alone. Of course, when minor children are involved, the only way to do that is to cut the other parent out of the children’s lives altogether. Or maybe one parent wants to hurt the other so bad as revenge for a bad breakup that they go after most parent’s jugulars; their children. Sensitivity and irritation by smaller issues and conflicting parenting styles become blown so far out of proportion that one parent starts to believe the children are actually not safe or well cared for by the other.
And so it begins.
In order to strengthen their respective positions, parents often engage in the inappropriate activity of directly asking the children who they want to live with, what happens when the child visits the other parent and prodding for incriminating information. I believe that some parents are so clouded by their own emotions that they actually don’t see the harm to their children in asking question after question, giving them the third degree about where they went, who the other parent saw, what was said; all in an attempt to find the one golden nugget of information that could skew a custody battle their way. They never stop to consider the guilt the child feels in having to choose one parent over the other. For anyone considering this type of strategy, think again. Rest assured that in the long run, no matter what the outcome, the children will suffer the most.
Judges and lawyers alike will tell people to explore all alternatives before embarking on a long, costly and very stressful custody battle. Aside from the kids, the relationship between the parents becomes even more strained, forever damaging their ability to be civil towards each other. Like it or not, Moms and Dads need to work together for the benefit of their children. The most common settlement possibilities are more visitation to one parent, less consecutive overnights, and/or entering into individual or family therapy.
So, if you find yourself in the middle of this type of situation, what should you do? First and foremost call a Domestic Relations attorney. Once you retain the attorney, come up with a plan to defend the accusations, open yourself up to a Guardian ad Litem or Attorney for the Child, and accentuate the positive about yourself and your relationship with your child.
By: Melissa R. Gillis, Esq.
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