I am coming across the same scenario more and more today; divorcing couples still living together. Massachusetts used to have a requirement that the parties had to live apart for 30 days prior to commencement of the action, unless waived by the Court. Now, couples can file a Complaint or Joint Petition for Divorce, bring it to the Sheriff’s office for service, then go home and have dinner together. This obviously creates a whole host of problems and issues, particularly since the divorce process in and of itself is generally confrontational. So why is this happening?
One of the main reasons is what we have been hearing about for months; the economy. Taking a couple who are just making ends meet and now asking them to maintain two households on the same income can be impossible. You know the saying; you can’t squeeze water from a stone. Sometimes it comes down to selling the marital home and splitting the equity so that each can purchase another residence. Other times it is really a question of how will the credit cards get paid? How will two rents be afforded? How can one qualify for a mortgage with poor credit?
So what about the couples that can afford to live apart yet choose to live together? Maybe it’s a power struggle for the marital home. Maybe the couple has been married so long their very identities are intertwined, and there is fear in not knowing what life will bring without the other. Maybe it’s a control issue. Maybe people don’t want to be married anymore, but just truly can’t let go. Maybe they think the children will adjust better. Maybe they are holding hope out for reconciliation. The list goes on and on.
Any way you slice it, living together during a divorce automatically creates an extremely emotionally charged situation for both you and your children. One or both of the parties are struggling for independence, waiving their new life in the other’s face, tweaking and needling the other at every opportunity. It’s a recipe for fights, restraining orders, and possibly a restriction of visitation rights by the aggressor.
Even without police involvement, consider how the tension affects the children. Children of all ages pick up on the fact that there is something going on between Mom and Dad. It can cause resentment, anger and divided loyalties. The emotional ramifications can sometimes be worse than the divorce itself.
Parties need to look at the big picture; look at their lives post divorce. Stop the constant squabbling and focus on what’s important. If there is hope for reconciliation, work on it. If not, and you have children, it is better to put anger aside and get along for their sake. If you can’t, then it’s time to get some counseling. Consider this; there’s not a thing you can do about what happened yesterday, or even a minute ago, but you can act positively today to change tomorrow.
By: Melissa R. Gillis, Esq.
Comments