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« How to qualify for Medicare home health care benefits | Main | Life insurance and Medicaid planning »

October 17, 2005

Comments

Esteban

I am the "lucky child" of a mother who decided to leave all of her worldly goods to me upon death.

I had been her caretaker for some 25 years and had she felt that she had been ignored by the remaining children, who did not contact her even on her birthday, Mother's Day, etc. At least not on a regular basis.

The problem was that even though she made this change, she never got up the nerve to tell the other children. So, now, I am the hated child, and froze out from the rest of the family. But, considering that they never were in contact before, it is not that much different, except for the half-million.....

Donna

I was recently disinherited by my only living parent, my mother, I have two brothers and the family farm has been in the family for over 100 years. This land is sacred to me. I thought we were a close family spending all the holidays and many other occaisions together, working cows, riding horses, birthdays, ect. I cannot describe the shame I feel to read "I leave nothing" that was wrote in her will.

Judith

The pain of my mother explicitly excluding me from her will -- so totally rejecting and abandoning me -- is excruciating. I'm grateful for the other person who posted mentioning that she feels ashamed. So do I, and that seemed an odd way to feel to me when I'm not the one who did something so wrong. My sister and brother seem to think this outcome is just fine (they inherited 3 small farms and blue chip stocks), so now I don't want to be in contact with them anymore, either. That makes me totally alone. It's not the money; it's my own mother making it so clear and emphatic that she did not love me.

Judy Roth

my dad has heineously abused me from the day mom died 8/11/83 he is a milionare I have a very mentally ill child he is leaving me nothing cuz i think he is afraid i would make known his abuse & ruin his reputation I want to sue him now He has stolen my whole life

Hithewall

An I wrong not to leave money to one of my children who is manic-depressive and an alcoholic. He refuses his medication and I know the money that would be used with common sense by his sisters would be used for alcohol by him.He is 46 years old, We have spent thousands on rehab, but he doesn't improve.

 Shari Shane

I am the only child of living parents who have decided to disinherit me & my sons before they die by filing their wills in the probate court for a declaration of validity. I have never smoked, drank, done illegal drugs or even cuss. I've never even had so much as a parking ticket. I worked all my life & put myself through college & law school. I've regularly called & visited with my parents, remembered them with cards & presents, etc. Although the kids & I could use the money from their sizable estate, all I really wanted were the family pix (mine were destroyed in a hurricane), my mother's recipes, and a few small family heirlooms passed down through the family. This is hurtful.

TCJ

Being the only child excluded in my mother's will is an oddly shameful experience. I was told that I was excluded because I did not need as much as my siblings because I was more stable financially. Despite the stated intent, the emotional impact is one of rejection. I feel as though I never really had a mother.

Brenda Nielsen

My Mother recently passed on and left her estate to my brothers 2 children (he has 3) and an ex-son in law. Before my sister died in 1980 she told me this would happen. She left my brother and me 1.00 and love and affection. She didn't have love and affection in life and I doubt it in death. She blamed us our whole life for her unhappy life and it reflects on her now. Can you believe I was sent a paper to sign and have notarized and send back, that's going to cost me more than $1.00 so I'm not doing it and neither is my brother.

Roxe

I am sorry for those on here who were hurt by being disinherited. I am one of those parents who is disinheriting my oldest son. He disappeared and I had no idea of his well being or whereabouts for over 7 years. I finally found him living 3 states away. He and I tried to build a relationship and talked frequently, then the phone calls stopped. He will not accept my friend request on FaceBook. I have learned that he told all of his friends that I was dead and when I found him, that blew his pitiful lie out the window. I found out that I have a granddaughter and she will be in my will. I have been hurt beyond measure by my son and I don't want him to gain one single thing by my death.

majorgroove

My mother left everything to my sister, without telling my other sister or me she was going to do this. The 'lucky' sister was the one who lived closest and hence had the burden of looking after a parent, who happened to have official carers too.

My sister has not in anyway tried to defuse the situation, and unlike the recipient above, we cared and contacted our mother lots over the years, including 10 visits in the last 15 months by me. My mother has hurt me more than she ever did, and I am at risk at losing the gaining sister through her thoughtlessness and easy acceptance of the situation.

Anita Linn

I just found out yesterday that my Mother, who passed away in Calgary, Alberta January 2010, left her entire estate to her first born, my brother. I got a call yesterday from my Calgary lawyer there who advised me, after obtaining a copy of her will from my brothers lawyer under Alberta law, I am not named in her will (nor is my sister) and there is nothing I can do about that as a BC resident. My sister and brother are Alberta residents, as was my Mom.

He is the son of her first marriage to a man that he is disinterested in even knowing. My father adopted him when he was 5, later married my Mom and they had my sister and me. They parted company after 18 years of marriage and my Father later married a very nice lady who he is currently still married to 26 years later.

I always had a solid, good relationship with my Mom and called her long distance a few times a week and we chatted about everything going on in our lives for hours on end. She went into hospital for edema at Christmas last year and was fully coherent and alert, aware if what was happening. She was to stay admitted there, while on medication for the edema, until her leg swelling improved. She died 8 days later at the age of 77, due to complications from the swelling (she has a heart attack).

My brother and his children live in Calgary, and visited her daily while she was in hospital. I got a call that she was in hospital from my 17 yr old nephew and since my brother did not inform me, I had to call all over the city to find out where she was since, as he was unavailable. The ward phone at the hospital was stolen on the day she was admitted. She had no cell phone so I did not speak to her again, but was reassured by the kids that she was aware that I was calling daily. The nurses told her and gave her the messages I asked them to pass on. All this technology available nowadays and no one thought to use their cell phone to let me speak with her....shameful!

I must say, I thought I had always 'had' a good relationship with my brother. My hubby and I are the God-parents to his kids, with whom we have a good rapport.Apparently that was past tense when my Mom became ill and passes away unexpectedly. We were to leave on a planned holiday 5 days after she died and I asked him to send me a copy of her death certificate so we could cancel our holiday; he said he would, but didn't. Left in limbo and $5000 poorer if we did not go on our non-refundable holiday, we went. With no cooperation from him, what choice did we have? My Mom knew we were going and wanted to see the pics when we returned...so believe it or not, that is what she would have done considering the circumstances.

He had her cremated 4 days later and 2 days before we were to leave on our holiday and ironically my sister, who had no contact with my Mom since my parents split 30 years ago, invited her sister and brother-in-law, (my Ontario aunt and uncle) and brother and family for a 'celebration' of her life! More like a celebration of her death, as there were no tears happening there on her end. All this was all for 'show' to impress the visiting aunt and uncle, not because she had any time for my Mom at all.She declared my Mom dead to her long ago and they had no contact. My husband and I were NOT invited, so we did not attend this hypocritical gathering. A good decision, as that would have been a mess and anything but a celebration of my Mom's life.

I know this sounds so Jerry Springer, but that is my family dynamic, or so it appears. My father, who now has advanced Alzheimer's disease is in a care home now. He always said that she would make sure the 'GOLDEN CHILD' son would be taken care of my her when she passed and she would probably slight my sister and I, but we never believed him. Well, Dad, you were right on the $$ there. She did not have much to leave other than a few life insurance policies and retirement money in the bank... but she left my sister and I excluded. There was no explanation as to why she disinherited us...especially ME, her daughter that was always there in her life.
I could understand my sister not getting an explanation, with being estranged from her, but I was in contact with her more than my brother was....I don't get it.

I am left to question, what in the hell did I do wrong to have her make such a decision? I don't deserve this omission and it is NOT about the $$ or her stuff, it is just principle here. She made her will in 2002, so it is not like it was a new one....it was 9 years after the fact!
My Mother sure left this family in irreparable turmoil here, on earth, and that was all her doing.
May she rest in peace with her final decision....cause I am hurt beyond belief, thanks a lot Mother!

Tom Gilsdorf

Immediately after my Father's death in 2006, my Mother sat down with me to tell me that "I would not be receiving any monetary portion of her estate". I was still greiving the loss of my Father when she dropped this on my head.

I have one brother. He only worked a few years back in the late 70s/early 80s and never moved away from home. He did dedicate his life to caring for my parents. I was the one that got married, got a job, and had children. She indicated that "she could not go to her grave without knowing that my brother was provided for." She didn't want to see him working another day in his life.

Everything was put into his name before her death. While she was in the process of doing this, whenever I called I heard (Ad-nauseum) how they had gone to the Bank to put this into my brother's name, and they'd been the stock broker, and on and on and on. Part of her repeating herself was the forgetfulness of old age.

Knowing this before her death strained our relationship. Living 200 miles away and not going to see her meant not having to listen.

The sad thing is, her entire estate will not be enough to provide for my brother for the remainder of his life. Once the money is gone, I will likely be facing taking care of him at some point in the future. And I have 2 sons. Regardless of what I may, or may not have done when a father is disinherited, so are his children.

donnab_59@msn.com

It has been 4 years now since I was disinherited. My brothers who inherited
everything do not speak to each other. What a nightmare. I miss them so
much, I would somehow feel better if I knew they still spoke to each other.
As the days and years go by, I just feel shame, no closure, no letter left to tell me what I did wrong. The depression lingers and no medicine works when there will never be an answer. Help. I try to stay busy and to "move on", but nothing is right without my family. They were everything to me.

mickeyyoung

I found out the hard way that I was disinherited from my Mother's largest account. This was an account she always spoke with me about, it was her retirement - we were going to pack up and move to North Carolina and start a new life when she retired. It was all part of our plan. She was going to help me, a single Mother of a little boy, while I worked and kept the money coming in. We talked about this over and over in the hospital - take early retirement, let's just go... She and I were the best of friends. We did everything together. I was there every day at the hospital for her last week of life. She looked for ward to my visit every single Morning, and then I would go home, take care of my son, and call her and make sure that she was okay.
When I promised I would take her dog, I truly beleive that was what her mind needed to finally rest and go in peace. She had severe suicidal tendencies, and I just feel she gave up. I was there for every single suicidal call to calm her down. My brother always felt she was overreacting.
Ironically someone else mentioned their brother as being the "Golden Child" - that's what I've always thought of my brother.
Thus, since she was still working, we had accounts with beneficiaries, and not just a will. The Will stated 50/50. But her large retirement account, she gave it all to my brother and worst of all, she signed it over to him 2 days before my birthday.
My brother tried the "I was protecting your feelings" approach when I asked if he heard anything.
When I told him he was lying to my face, he told me I deserved to be written out, that I am a horrible person, denouncing my religion, everything that I stood for - I tried to ease the waters. He then told me I was the most manipulative person he ever met.
It wasn't the money - it was the act, and WHEN. I feel ashamed when I talk about it. Like I did do something wrong, that I am this horrible person.
My brother has since let my Mom's house go into foreclosure, I found that out because I worked for the attorney dealing with the foreclosure case and her file came across my desk. I immediately went and got sick. Then, I received "collection emails" from the funeral home - my "Golden Boy" brother was not doing his job as personal representative. He eventually called the police on me one night when I told him that he has said the most hurtful things to me on top of dealing with this - I then had the police involuntarily take me away, my son went with Child Protective Services, I lost my job, had to fight for my son, and my brother is showing off his brand new sailboat. I got a picture of a link on Facebook. I immediately blocked and deleted him and want nothing to do with him. "Golden Boy" is tarnished.
I have since had my own will re-written and my brother is no longer in charge of taking care of my son if something happens to me.
This destroyed a family that we all used to spend our weekends together. It's not the money. I'm ok - and I will be fine in the long run, but it's forced my brother and I against each other and there was a time he and I were extremely close.
Just think very hard before disinheriting - and if you do, let that person know what they did. I sit here and I have no idea what I did. That's something I try not to let bother me, but I can't visit my mother's grave without screaming at the tops of my lungs as to why did I deserve this?

Lili M

TJC wrote "Being the only child excluded in my mother's will is an oddly shameful experience. I was told that I was excluded because I did not need as much as my siblings because I was more stable financially." I can't believe that there is more than one mother out there like mine! My mother (so to speak) has just recently told me the exact same thing. Except she is not leaving my portion to the other siblings. She is leaving it to my sister's children. I am fine leaving the whole inheritance to the grandchildren. But to single out one of us (btw, she singles out the one whose roof she lives under and has to put up with her) because I didn't make some of the same stupid, costly decisions the others have made, I have no words. Found this site when I was looking for Mother's Day cards from disinherited daughters. If anyone knows where I can find one....

Punished One

I too was disinherited. I don't know what to say, except I thought I was the only one that this gut wrenching thing happened to. I am the youngest of 6 children. She had issues with all at one point or another. But I was the one that always took her side (even against my poor father when they had an argument)especially when the others would make fun of her and mock her when they all gathered as a family (excluding her on purpose). I was the one who cared for her over the years through her many illnesses and surgeries while trying to balance a "normal" life at home and raise children. She always told me what a wonderful daughter I was and that she has made sure that I would be well taken care of financially after her death (my father predeceased her by 3 years). During this past year prior to her death I began taking back my life little by little which she obviously was not happy about. It forced her 2 sons to "have" to participate in her care. I thought she would have been tickled pink to have her sons in her life on a daily basis instead of annually. She sure was! So much so, that she decided that they deserved to inherit her entire estate and that I, "my beloved daughter" as I was so called in the will, got nothing. One of her sons (I now refuse to acknowledge any of them as brother or sister), and I were very close, so I thought. That relationship has since dissolved and the pain I feel inside from all of this is indescribable. As a mother myself it is incomprehensible to me how a mother can deliberately deliver such pain to someone they professed to love. It deletes my entire life. Everything I thought to be true and real I now question. I only hope that one day I can be free from the pain of knowing that "my mother" hated me so much to do such an unspeakable thing to me.

only child

My mother hated me, too. I took the spotlight away from her, and she never forgave me for it. She made my life a living hell, even went so far as to accuse me of sleeping with my father, because, "I can see it in your eyes. I can tell by the way you look at each other." My father did nothing. He was a spineless wimp, who was afraid she would leave him alone. She was a great actress. She made everyone think I was a terrible daughter. No one knew what went on behind closed doors. I'm an only child. She always said if my father died first, she would disinherit me. He did, and she did. Gave everything to my gay cousin. My mother was pure evil, a monster. Know who my heroine is? Lizzie Borden. Killed her miserable parents, beat the rap, got to keep the house and the fortune, and lived to a ripe old age. That's the way to do it!

The pain is indescribable

To Punished One:

At least I know there is someone who understands the unbelievable pain I am in. My father who swore all his life he loved me the same as my sister (despite that he favored her in countless ways over the years)always said that everything would be split evenly between my sister and I. He always wanted my sister and I to "get along" (he is the one who created the problems between she and I because of the blatant favoritism)Funny enough, my sister didn't put a hair on her head out of place for him--I traveled there to cook, shop for him etc--she did nothing of the kind. Two months before his death, he changed it to a 75/25 split--He may as well just have omitted me.

The shock and pain I am in is unfathomable. Like you, I am a mother, and it is incomprehensible how a parent could do this to a child. I feel like I am in a bad dream every day of my life. Counseling and medication have done little--I don't think I will ever be able to get past this

guest233

I can NOT understand ANY parent who would disherit their child! Unless that parent is a mean spirited and unloving one. An inheritance is not a reward but a loving confirmation that hey, you are my child and I love you unconditionally and to that child who hurt me, I forgive you.It is a time to renew and restore and heal, not a time to seek vengeance. To show such contempt for ones child by disinheriting them is, well just downright ugliness in ones spirit.I have always wondered what such a mother/dad will say to a Holy God when they stand before Him and give an account to why they did such an unloving thing, especially when the word of God commands us to forgive and to love unconditionally.To those who have suffered such a slap in ones face, please remember it is THEIR SIN not yours and you are unconditionally loved by the ONE that matters the most..God.

Bad Parent

I just finished my will disinheriting my only son the day after fathers day. I thought about the forgiveness route, letting my son know that never receiving a fathers day, birth day or Christmas card, or even returning my gifts and cards with no explanation will eventually be "just water under the forgiveness bridge." While I'm sure i was not the ideal parent, but I made an effort. At what point do you determine that one-way relationships are not working or healthy. When do you let go? When is it ok to let go? In the meantime, I have friends that make an effort to be part of my life, charities that support the values I believe in and support my ideals of a legacy. I emailed my son a copy of the section of my will where he is disinherited. I explained my reasons relating to his behavior. The only response I could interpret was a general facebook post that "anger only hurts the one who carries it." I believe I made the right decision, writing a will is about how situations are, the fantasy of things should or ought to be. I can die in peace knowing $2 million will go where there are shared values.

Unloved and Unwanted

This is one of those places where one really does not want to find company -- the misery of finding out you are disinherited is perhaps the worst thing I have experienced in my 53 years of life. I thought I had seen a lot of pain, but this tops the list. Others words and stories have validated exactly how I feel. My 2 brothers and sister cannot seem to understand my anger which is really nothing more than hurt. They actually told me 10 minutes after I watched my mother take her last breath. If that wasn't bad enough, the next day they notified me if there was anything from their estate that I would like I could purchase it at fair market value. My mother did this because she could not manipulate me to side with her over my husband and because my siblings with held love from her until she sided with them. (My father left me in charge of the trust and upon his death they wanted me out). I'll never understand the ability of someone to continue to take from a child knowing the whole time you were going to reach from the grave and spit in their face. I loved my mother, but now, all the good memories are gone and over shadowed by greed and hate. Personally, every story I read reminds me of my family. I pray I can eventually let this go, but at the moment, it consumes me when I least expect it.

Suzi Stone

Dear List,
I am so grateful fot this list and to be able to read how others feel.
I have a similar situation.
My mother passed in 2011. She and I talked often and have some fond memories. My father would not let me in the house except under supervision. When she passed I was in a Motel 6 down the street and was texted to come over and say good bye be fore the coroner took her body.
Since that day my father and I have not spoken. I sent him a father's day card and it came back a month later "refused, return to sender"!
I have two sisters (younger)
I have not spoken to them since mom's passing.
I am told I am no longer in "The Will"
"The Will" was changed about a week before mom passed ~ dad and the sisters wisked mom out of the house to sign notarized documents before she died. The same week mother died, dad and my two sisters helped my older son serve me with papers to a law suit claiming I "Stole money from him"
Two years later the law suit was settled and still not a single nice word from my father, my sisters nor my oldest son.
Should I disinherit them like they did me?

Dan

I am glad to hear that some lawyers give advice like this, it somewhat undermines the popular theory of John Adams, that "one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.". I only wish my father's lawyer had told him what harm he was doing by first promising that I would be the conduit of his legacy for eternity, then handing 75% over to my brother who promptly lost the whole thing to Adult Protective Services by mismanaging my mother's money and property through well documented elder abuse. Even if he had the guts to tell me on his death bed what he was doing, that would have meant something. But to have him couch his (mis)treatment of me in a single sentence "I want you to get along with your brother". My brother is a brain damaged (motorcycle accident, no helment) drug addicted (meth, PCP, LSD, pot, gasoline, etc) disabled ex-prison guard who sponges off the state and his wife. He hasn't made a single good decision about his own life but my father gave my brother control of the whole estate and he lost it in less than 8 months after my mother had a stroke. Brilliant, bloody brilliant!

pot stirrers from beyond the grave

I am so thankful to the people who have posted on here. It is really helpful. My situation certainly isn't as drastic, or emotionally heart breaking, but it has brought up a lot of old familiar hate thinking energy within a dysfunctional group of people I removed myself from. I am one of 5 siblings. My dad (who is still living) had only 1 sibling, a brother, who never married and had no children, he was a multi-millionaire. Lived in Bel-Air(you get the picture) I never knew him well, as he was a very private person. The only interaction I had with him was exchanging Christmas cards. He would send each of us ( my 4 siblings and I) a check in the card. I was the only one who truly seemed to appreciate the Christmas gift. The others always EXPECTED it, and counted on it as if it were income. One Christmas he decided to give money to a charity of his choice in our name instead of giving us the money. I was fine with that, a little surprised, but aware that it was his right to give a gift as he sees fit. My siblings were outraged by this! Anyway, time went by, I tried to have a personal relationship with my uncle through letters, emails, but he had no interest. I ended up walking away from that whole "family" years ago as it was extremely toxic! And although I didn't have any issues with my uncle (he was never really in the picture)I got tired of just being a person he sent a check to every Christmas. I prefer authentic relationships. Well, I just got the legal documents about his recent death the other day. He definitely played favorites. I don't really know how he was basing that, because he seemed to be private to all. During his life he was seen as "kind", "compassionate", "generous". But, when all said and done he was very conditionally "generous". Anyone who would leave a will clearly showing his favoritism by huge sums of difference to each surviving relative is not a compassionate person. To leave such drama and pain behind to be had between relatives is not only vindictive, but also very cowardly!! Pretty easy to act a certain way while breathing and walking on this planet, only to show your true colors after you have gone, when no one can question them to you, or see you for how you truly were under that mask of sweetness. The people who do this just "stir the pot" of pain on this planet. I am not so much upset that I was greatly "slapped in the face" by the amount he left me, as I chose to not be a part of their game anymore. It is just that I got such a taste of the hate of it all by seeing the amount given to each person (stated on the will), and it just feels like I was "included" back into the pain of their game. I can only imagine the seething resentment some of them will have towards the others, for the rest of their days, probably. One of the siblings received $750,000 plus 2 Rolls Royces,(the smooth talking car salesman with a gold digging wife....hmmm...coincidence? nah!) two of the others received $100,000, and the other $300,000. Needless to say mine was only $25,000. lol. The rest is going to some good charities. Which, I am glad about. The funny thing is, I was the only one of us siblings that ever truly wanted to get to know him, for HIM, not his money!! Turns out he probably wasn't really Worth knowing after all. This is a prime example of why I removed myself from that toxic, false friendly, hate filled "love" group of people! Smiles on their face, insults behind the back, "family" professed by their mouth's, yet hate for one another, and greed in their hearts. Surely, there is a better, more productive, way to be on this planet. I have been going that path, and I don't regret my choice at all, even if it "cost" me potentially thousands of dollars inheritance by an extremely rich uncle. No amount of money is worth trading for your Inner Peace, True Love, and Serenity.

Not a "real" granddaughter after all

My grandfather died after years of caring for my grandmother, who was quite difficult to live with. When my family came to the funeral, we were asked why we'd come since we were "only" step grandchildren. My grandmother had a jade collection, antique furniture, books. It all vanished. Growing up, I didn't know I was just a step grandchild. I just loved him. My sister, mother and I were allowed to take some of my grandmother's paintings (my grandfather's niece was going to throw them in the dumpster.) My grandfather's niece excluded us from the list of family in the funeral service, obituary etc. and held the service so quickly many of his old friends weren't told in time to attend. It seems she held a lot of hatred for my grandmother, and by extension, us. However, if he wanted to, he could have remembered us in his will. I guess he never considered us "real family" but to me, he was my only living grandparent. I felt sad & ridiculous to learn this was how he really felt & I look at the holidays we spent together, including Thanksgiving just weeks before his death and I guess it meant nothing to him. Whenever I think about this, I just feel a lot of sorrow that I wasn't his "real family" like I thought I was. I would urge anyone thinking about disinheriting someone to reconsider because it makes the person singled out feel stupid and worthless & unloved. That is a terrible way to treat someone. Please don't do it unless the person has committed an awful crime and you simply can't forgive them. I don't know how I disappointed my grandfather but mostly I think he just didnt love me because I wasn't a biological relative.

Experienced

Try to keep in mind that the problem is with them, not with you. They were so immature that they decided to play their little game, knowing full well that they wouldn't be around to deal with the consequences of their actions. That is cowardice and manipulation in one of the highest forms. Please don't let THEIR issue continue to destroy you; that is what they wanted to happen. Try to move forward, as painful as it can be, and focus on the people who love you and are around you right now. Things like this have a habit of taking our attention from the ones we are right next to, and that can create a domino effect of hurt feelings, and that gives power and control to the manipulators, even from beyond the grave.

DJ

I am glad I found this site. I just disinherited my older daughter and it was a very hard decision to make. Maybe I will change my mind some day, but I doubt I will. This is something I felt I would never do. However, my daughter finally went to far at the age of 16. Her and I got into a very bad disagreement one day because I made her come home from her boyfriend's house. After that she decided she wanted to only live with her mother. That I could maybe deal with. However, then she give my ex-wife information to use against me and started trying to turn her little sister against me. So first order of business was both me and my own mother updated our trust documents to make sure she gets nothing. My older daughter does have a mental condition, borderline personality disorder, and I realize that is a big part of the problem. But I can't accept that my own daughter would clearly try and cause more problems between me and my ex. Wanting to just live with my ex I could deal with. The other behavior, no way.

PS

Like so many comments on here, I too was told I was out of the will. At first I was told the inheritance would be spit 50-50 between my sister and I....but then I was instructed that I was to give my portion to one of my sister's grandchildren and that she was to give her half to her other grandchild. I said many many times I didn't want my mother's money (dad passed away a year ago). I always wanted her to use it on herself to live a comfortable life in her old age (she's 89). But when she told me about the split and what I was to do with my share, the way it hurt me just about blew my mind. I never in my wildest dreams thought something like that could hurt so bad and could make me feel so unloved and rejected. It has really done a number on my mind (perhaps because I was still reeling from the loss of my dad and going through my second round with breast cancer)...she told me when I was still going through treatments. I tried to talk to her and let her know how I felt...like she was choosing my sister and her family over me. I felt like I was being punished for never having children or giving her grandchild or great-grandchildren. I told her that if that is truly what she wanted to do, she should go to a lawyer and have her will changed stating that the inheritance was to go to her great-grandchildren (my sister's grand-children)....and so by golly that is exactly what she did. So now when we talk about it,she says it was my idea!! "You told me to have my will changed". "I told you to have your will changed if that is truly what you wanted to happen to your money because I didn't think it was right to say I'm giving you half, but this is what you have to do with your share". My husband is upset at how much she has hurt me and so there is a new rift in their relationship which has always been good. And although I am sure her decision was not my sister's idea or my niece's idea, I am struggling with my new uneasiness around them. I am actually seeing a therapist to try to sort my feelings out and get past this. I've written her a letter telling her how I feel and actually gone to her home and talked to her about how I feel. She says that I surely know she loves me....but that I don't need her money...that I'm rich (she has no idea how much money I have or don't have). What she doesn't get is that it is not about the money....it's about an acknowledgement of the value your child had in your life. I go down (2 hours) as often as I can to help her out, take her to appointments and shopping etc., I call her (still) every night. I just can't wrap my mind around how hurt I am. What I do know is I have to let it go and put it behind me. I have a life to live. I still love her because she is my mother....and when we talked about it face to face she asked if I was over it. I told her I was over it, putting it behind me, and moving on....but that a part of my heart would always be hurt. She told me not to feel that way...to not take things so seriously....Heavy sigh!

Jill K

To all those who have experienced the "shame" of exclusion, please do not discount the very likely possibility of your parent(s)having some form of psychological disorder such as NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) or BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).
You may have conducted your life and contributions to your family (emotional, financial and psychological) with what you had considered appropriate care and respect. If one or both parents and/or sibling(s) do exhibit the symptoms of the aforementioned disorders, chances are that you are the child who was unfortunately selected by your caretaker to be unworthy of the respect, love and self-esteem that any child would naturally expect. If you are the child of a narcissist, there is often a nasty "pecking order" created by your parent having to do with which child(ren) provide that disturbed adult with appropriate "narcissistic supply". You can do everything "right", but according to your parent you are not good enough.
This is more common than one might imagine and for those of you who are "scratching your heads" for an explanation to this ultimate injustice, you might find some answers or guidance in the many available books on this topic.
If you were (are) the adult child of a narcissist and find yourself shunned, it often is because your sibling(s) were far less independent than yourself, therefore better candidate(s) to provide your disturbed parent with absolute and total support regardless of the issue.
It's a stunning betrayal and abuse of a child's human rights, both for the shunned child and the one placed upon a pedestal as neither sibling receives appropriate parenting and usually suffer the awful consequences throughout their lives.
There is nothing you can do to change this dynamic, but accept it for what it is and move forward and away from TOXIC family.

AC

In the span of one year I filed for divorce from a cheating spouse and had both parents pass away. I wrote my parents' obituaries, spoke tearfully at their funerals, suffered at their loss. However, no pain was as great as when a week after my parents' passing my brother stopped by and casually told me, I know you were expecting to get something in the will but mother and father left everything to me. He had known about this for years and had, as executor, his own copy of the will. He explained that I always seemed well off and successful so they wanted him to have all of their assets. So for being the one that studied and worked hard, my reward and the reward to my four children, that my parents claimed to love, was exclusion from their will. My brother, single and unmarried, lazy throughout his life was rewarded everything. My mother had always said all of the assets would be split evenly and had lost contact with her own brother over her mother's will. I think the psychological shock of disinheritance when one is grieving your parents' passing is devastating. Your entire childhood becomes tarnished. Family gatherings, holidays where I flew in at great expense while they sat there with smiles after legally cutting out my children and me in favor of my brother - just are now expressions of such deceit that I don't want to keep any family photos or videos of those events. The deceit of a spouse is painful, but that of one's parents is torture. As a mother, who still looks at each child with the memory of that blessed day they were put in my arms, I cannot understand what sort of people I was born to. Thank you and bless all of you who have lived through this and especially guest233 and Experienced who remind us that this is just wrong. That a last will and testament is supposed to be just that - a testament, even in some small way, of the love you have for your children and grandchildren.

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